Being a Mum is Selfish
Image @thebirthcoach
(I understand the decision to have children, or not, is a very personal one. We may have made this decision, one way or the other, but sometimes the universe has other plans. This post is not intended to trigger or hurt anyone in anyway. This is the sharing of my own personal discovery around mothering and what it has meant for me.)
I hadn’t thought much about this question up until very recently:
Why did you decide to have children?
Now if you’re like me, the answer you come up with initially may be very different to the one you conclude with by the end of this post.
As a mum we give everything to our babies, so how on earth can that be considered selfish? Surely you end up being totally selfless as a mother. We more often than not put everyone, and everything, before ourselves– isn’t that the total opposite of what it means to be selfish? It wasn’t until I asked myself why I really wanted to have children in the first place, and questioned why I was born myself, that I came to realise how selfish becoming a mum is. But this isn’t to say this is necessarily a negative thing at all. I’m more than ok with my selfish desire to be a mum and how this serves a higher purpose for me as an individual. In taking the time to really answer this question I now have a conscious awareness of why I do what I do, and you know what? It’s really taken the pressure off and I’m content with the decisions I make as a mother, knowing these selfish needs are of benefit to not just me but my children and my family also.
So why did I decide to have children? The answer isn’t quite as straight forward as I first thought. Because I love my husband? I couldn’t ignore the biological ache to be a mum? It would bring us even closer? It turned out there was a lot more to this than what presented itself on the surface.
We all know from the moment you see that second line on the pregnancy test, you become a mum. The enormity of what is about to come, as well as the responsibility, can feel overwhelming. Whether you planned the pregnancy, struggled to conceive for years or the pregnancy has come as a huge surprise I think we all have that ‘oh shit’ moment. This is real. I’m actually going to be a mother.
You then share your body for 9 months, enduring aches, pains, sickness, heartburn, bladder weakness, constipation, piles, strange dreams, fatigue, information overload, overwhelm, identity conflicts, cravings, mood swings… I could go on. So how can going through all of this for someone else, even for a second, be considered selfish?
And of course, pregnancy is just the start. You then do what it takes to birth your baby and keep them safe. You wake through the night, feed them, comfort them and love them. We sacrifice not just our sleep, but perhaps dreams and aspirations we once had too. Whether that’s swapping plans to travel the world and visit exotic places for more family-friendly destinations that keep everyone, mainly the children, happy, or perhaps it’s our careers, nights out, fancy restaurants and a tidy home we now see as things of the past. Our current reality as a mum is in constant conflict with these dreams we may have once had. We compromise all of this so we can raise our children and do the best we can for them. Sounds pretty selfless to me.
But is it?
I’ve begun to question, as a mother, where my internal dialogue comes from, the reasons behind why I do what I do and act the way I do. For me, above all else, I value unconditional love, honesty, trust, safety, freedom, self-esteem, and respect. Our children are secure in knowing how we are expected to treat each other and be treated in our family. They are encouraged to explore and discover who they are as individuals, to live in a safe home free from conflict and violence, they are never judged nor humiliated. There is no set standard for them to live up to or any other person to be compared to. They are listened to, heard and respected. They have a voice that is valued. They know they are able to be who they want to be and they are loved no matter what.
As parents we appreciate our children are not ours to keep, rather we have them on borrowed time. If they then choose to still have us in their adult lives then, for me, that is when we know we have done a good job. How they view us and treat us when they are no longer obliged to be a part of our lives will reflect and speak volumes about our parenting.
I feel very strongly about all of the above. My husband knows this, and so do our children.
So where does this come from?
The answer is pretty simple and it comes back to the question, why did I decide to have children in the first place? I’m now aware that, for me, being a mum is healing my own childhood. I can now be the one to give all this love to my children that I so desperately wanted as a child. I can provide all the opportunities I was deprived of. My children will never question my love for them or their worthiness, this is a given. In watching them grow into confident, happy and fulfilled people, who are secure and content, this is healing my own psychological wounds.
This doesn’t mean to say I’m living my life through them, by no stretch of the imagination. The total opposite in fact. I’m enjoying watching them become who they want to be, do what they want to do, free from judgment and constraint. Whatever they decide to do, I’m ok with that. This is their lives to lead, I have no agenda when it comes to parenting.
So yes, my reasons if I’m totally honest about it as to why I want to be a mum does stem from a selfish need on my part. I want to give the love and opportunity I wish I had. I don’t think that is that such a bad thing. Their love and enjoyment for life is innocently and unknowingly healing, so I only see this as a win-win for us all.
This is my own personal selfish reasons for wanting to be a mum, what’s yours? Maybe it’s to make your relationship stronger with your partner? To have someone to call your own? For love and comfort? For control? To fit in? To be accepted?
Children don’t ask to be born, that’s our decision. So although it can be considered a selfish act to become a mum, I don’t think that’s always such a bad thing. The only people who can really judge our parenting is our children.