My Freebirth Story
“I’m in labour, lightheaded and euphoric with powerful surges taking hold of my body.
I will them to get stronger and more intense, wanting them to build to a purposeful climax.
I reach down to feel my baby’s head, rippled, soft & warm.
Craving another surge.
She crowns. Slowly, really slowly…”
Freebirthing our daughter was no accident. I rehearsed it a hundred times, making her birth story one that already felt so familiar. I fantasised what it was going to be like - feeling her head for the first time, that moment she was between two worlds. Mine undoubtedly about to change...
We had just welcomed the New Year of 2022, and our last round of visitors were leaving. It had been joyfully hectic and Mamma was ready for a rest. I’d been having contractions on and off for a few weeks by this point, but as quickly as they came, they went. With all the festive celebrations now over I was ready for an early night.
I woke up and checked the time. It was 4.20am. And I was gutted. ‘Another day and still no baby’ was my immediate thought. I’d gone into labour at 1am with both my first and second, so only assumed that the third baby would be the same. I felt a little tightening, similar to what I’d been feeling before, so didn't get my hopes up.
Pulling at the duvet and rolling over I wanted to try and get some sleep before my other two children awoke for the day. I then noticed our fairy lights had gone off leaving our room unusually dark. I missed their gentle warmth so got up to switch them back on again when I found myself unusually pottering around the room. Moving candles into position, dropping oil into the diffuser, moving cushions and placing blankets. Picking things up, putting them back down again.
“A mamma bird making sure each twig and leaf was just so. Maybe this time was different.”
The calm but purposeful movements didn’t stop me from noticing the contractions were coming in a regular rhythm. More frequently than the previous weeks. Lasting for around a minute and coming every 10. I was enjoying the quiet of the early morning and wanted Rob to join me so I woke him. He got the pool out, agreeing there was no harm and could always put it away again.
We knew it was going to be just us this time, meaning no one else to answer to, no one else to intervene or dictate our next move - we could just ride through labour as our baby determined. We laughed about how when we first met I said no children until I'm 30. Still not there yet and here we are about to have our third!
“I checked in with our baby, she told me she was fine and that this was it. All the preparation I’d done had led us to this point. Confident and excited to birth our baby.”
My body needed movement, to open. I wanted to get on all fours, sway my hips and stretch out like a cat. I rolled out my yoga mat and just allowed my body to flow where it needed to. After a while, she needed me upright. There was a shift. I was thankful for how clearly she was communicating with me, telling me exactly how she needed my body to move. I’d never heard this so loudly before. Incredible what you hear in labour when all external noise and distractions are removed.
I fully trusted her so I stood up and planted my hands against the wall, either side of a picture hanging there. It was of me with my, then 18-month-old, son on my lap, laughing as we went down the slide. I remember enjoying the cool of the wall against my hands and the thought that only a mothers undeniable love could bring such a joyful moment. Our smiles said it all.
“I then closed my eyes and welcomed the vivid dream-like memories that came flooding in.”
I was standing on a jetty, awaiting a taxi boat from an icy picturesque island in Sweden - where we had stayed earlier the previous year. I could see my children's eyes darting and scanning the rocks for fish as the water lapped and splashed their boots. The spray tickling their scrunched up faces, their squeals and giggles warming my chest.
Each contraction started on that jetty in Sweden, waiting for our journey out onto the water. As the intensity began to build my eyes traced the mountains in the distance, climbing up into the sky. It took every bit of strength in my body to get us to the top, that ancestral fire in my belly stronger than ever. As the contraction climbed to its peak, I imagined the relief of the icy water below. The freezing temperatures balancing the heat and power of birth.
Totally lost in watching this film on loop, something was telling me I needed to get in the water. Rob suggested the pool at the most perfect time and it felt incredible. A full body release.
From then on I was wholly entranced in my euphoric birthing space. The most sensual and womanly state, high on labour hormones. My man's smell was intoxicating. As he leaned over the side of the pool, arms wrapped around me, I planted my face into his neck. I wanted to drink him in. Did he always smell like this? He was all I wanted, everything I needed.
“I wanted to wrap this moment up in a cashmere blanket, store it in a glass box and inhale its pure perfection for the rest of my life.”
I reached down to see if I could feel her. She wasn't there yet. After the next contraction I felt again and the tip of my finger made contact with, what I was hoping to be, her head. Shortly after I felt my waters release and she descended really quickly. Too quickly. I felt the stretch and began instinctively rubbing and massaging my perineum. I was telling her, not just yet, slowly, come slowly.
I could then feel her head. Her beautiful head. No cord nor little fists or feet, just her rippled, soft and warm head. She knew exactly what she was doing. I felt so proud of our girl navigating her birth so perfectly.
Next push her head was out and her body quickly followed. My hands under each arm I lifted her out of the water and onto my chest.
“She was born quiet, yet to take her first breath. Both of us surprised at how quickly she had arrived.”
Like a mamma lion stimulating her cub I pressed my face into hers, nuzzling and rubbing her. Mammalian instincts flowing but calm, I gently rubbed a blanket on her body before hearing her first gurgled cry.
She was perfect. Her birth was everything I had dreamed of. We did it.
Ready to get out of the pool and snuggle in bed we were soon wrapped up cosy - safe in our home, exactly where we should be. It felt so natural, so normal and peaceful. At 7am knowing our son and daughter would be up soon, I was excited for them to meet their baby sister.
With the thought of their little smiling faces another tightening came. The placenta was now ready to be born so we both sat in the quiet of our en suite patiently waiting. Within 5 minutes the placenta was out and resting safely in a bowl beside her.
The rest of the day felt like a dream, in and out of sleep, just cuddling and nursing. When I felt ready to cut the cord we did so as a family. My son changed his mind about doing it himself and wanted to watch mummy instead. Later that evening my amazing midwife Jane came over to notify the birth and do her newborn checks. Having had negative previous experiences with midwives Jane was the only person I felt comfortable welcoming into our space. I cannot thank her enough for her love, support and respect. She is a true, with-woman, midwife. I felt like an absolute birthing goddess in her presence.
I wish for all mothers to experience the other worldly pleasures that can be experienced through childbirth, to connect to her true self and believe in magic ✨
We, as mothers, have the power to tune into another universe with sensations words will never do justice.
This is your gift. Don’t let anyone take that from you.
From one mother to another, with love
Nicole xxx
